Tipping Custom Revision

Some people feel that tipping is an outdated American custom, and since they don't do it in other countries, we shouldn't do it either. People argue that servers should not expect tips because the restaurant should pay more, or that tips are only for "outstanding" service (and the service is never deemed "outstanding" by this type of cheapskate.) These types also argue that if I don't like not receiving tips, I should just go get another job - I have "chosen" to work at a restaurant, and I can choose to work somewhere else. You know, because the job market is awesome and kick-ass jobs are so easy to come by, especially ones with flexible schedules, nightly cash, and health insurance. While I agree that the tipping custom is bullshit, it is what it is. I don't see it changing any time soon. I make $2.13/hr. and that blows. I don't get a paycheck because all of my hourly wages go to taxes and health insurance (and I often have to pay money BACK to the restaurant because my wages aren't enough to cover my insurance.) I did choose this job, and I continue to work in a restaurant because I do make good money - because most people are decent, respectful people who understand that I rely on tips to pay my bills. It's important to understand that in countries where tipping is not the custom, eating out is more expensive because (shockingly,) the restaurant must pay their employees. The food at my restaurant is affordable because the restaurant isn't paying me $12/hr. to work there.
I'm not asking for a 100% tip by any means, but 15%-20% is standard and if you got your food and I didn't insult you, that's how much you should leave me. Remember, eating out is a convenience and a way for you to relax and enjoy yourself. My job is to make sure you have everything that you want and to give you the best possible experience. You sit in a chair, your food is cooked for you and served to you, and the mess you (and your kids) make is cleaned up for you. You are expected to pay for that convenience. If I'm in a shitty mood and I don't tell jokes and juggle for your table, you are at least getting some hot food that you didn't have to cook yourself and you can at least leave me something.
It's also important to note that if you don't tip me, I am PAYING FOR YOU TO EAT OUT. Let me explain. For every dollar in sales, I must pay 3% out to pay the busboys, hosts, and bartenders. I am also taxed based on my total net sales. Therefore, if your check is $50 and you leave me nothing, I will pay ~$1.50 for you to make a mess for me to clean up. That doesn't sound like a lot, but imagine how much I would be paying if all of my tables thought that tipping was "for the birds"! Many restaurants also require higher tipouts - I've heard of places that take out 6-10%, so in those cases you're an even bigger jerk.
Tipping isn't going to go away, so arguments against it are useless. If you want to go out to eat, you leave a tip and don't act like an asshole. It's as simple as that. As much as it pains me to quote Chuck Palanhiuk, this quote from Fight Club pretty much sums it up: "Remember this. The people you're trying to step on, we're everyone you depend on. We're the people who do your laundry and cook your food and serve your dinner. We make your bed. We guard you while you're asleep. We drive the ambulances. We direct your call. We are cooks and taxi drivers and we know everything about you. We process your insurance claims and credit card charges. We control every part of your life. We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact. So don't fuck with us.” -J

Coming in Late

If the sign in front of the restaurant says that we close at 1, that means WE CLOSE AT 1. That means that if your stoner/pregnant/teenaged/white-privileged/whatever ass should never stroll through the door at 12:55 and expect excellent service, because you are NOT going to get it. Closing at 1 means that by 1, we should not have any more customers. That means we’ve already all been working for over 9 hours - on our feet, with no breaks, probably without having eaten anything in that time period. We are tired, we are hungry, and we want to go the fuck home. Our cooks have probably been working since around noon, so it may be a surprise to you that they want to finish cleaning before they have to walk a few miles home and they don’t give a shit how your steak comes out. As servers, we are at that time trying to finish cleaning everything up and getting everything done so that we can leave. You are taking time away from that, and then we still have to clean up after YOU after you finally get the fuck out. Additionally, the closers all have to wait for your table to leave, so you are not just keeping ME late, you are keeping two other servers and the manager late.

I’m not sure why this is a difficult concept for some people. The restaurant closes at 1. If you order your food at 12:55, you will not receive it until 1:15 at best. You will be sitting at a table in the middle of a restaurant that is CLOSED. There will be no other people around you because everyone else read the sign outside and saw that we were no longer open. What makes you so special? If you walk into a store and it's closing, you don't keep shopping. You leave. Why should a restaurant be different?

This is another situation where people have some serious entitlement issues - a restaurant is a service, and we are not required to perform that service for you after a certain time. My boss will make me take a table if it comes in 15 minutes before we close, but technically at closing time, I don't need to do my job anymore, so don't get mad when I ignore you! If I go to a restaurant at 10:30 and realize that they close at 11, I turn the fuck around and drive to a 24-hour diner or convenience store and score something hopefully even remotely edible, because I’m not a douchebag.

I had a table come in the other night 15 minutes before we closed and demanded all this shit, complained about every single thing they ordered, wound up getting most of their food comped, and then they left me $2. I kind of want to rant about them forever, but I’m beat so that’ll be another story for another day. Actually, I’ll have another one by then. This shit happens all the time.

I hate people.

I hate the American tipping custom, too.

While I agree that the tipping custom is bullshit, it is what it is. I don't see it changing any time soon. I make $2.13/hr. and that blows. I don't get a paycheck because all of my hourly wages go to taxes and health insurance (and I often have to pay money BACK to the restaurant because my wages aren't enough to cover my insurance.) I did choose this job, and I continue to work in a restaurant because I do make good money - because most people are decent, respectful people who understand that I rely on tips to pay my bills. It's important to understand that in countries where tipping is not the custom, eating out is more expensive because (shockingly,) the restaurant must pay their employees. The food at my restaurant is affordable because the restaurant isn't paying me $12/hr. to work there.
I'm not asking for a 100% tip by any means, but 15%-20% is standard and if you got your food and I didn't insult you, that's how much you should leave me. Remember, eating out is a convenience and a way for you to relax and enjoy yourself. My job is to make sure you have everything that you want and to give you the best possible experience. You sit in a chair, your food is cooked for you and served to you, and the mess you (and your kids) make is cleaned up for you. You are expected to pay for that convenience. If I'm in a shitty mood and I don't tell jokes and juggle for your table, you are at least getting some hot food that you didn't have to cook yourself and you can at least leave me something.
It's also important to note that if you don't tip me, I am PAYING FOR YOU TO EAT OUT. Let me explain. For every dollar in sales, I must pay 3% out to pay the busboys, hosts, and bartenders. I am also taxed based on my total net sales. Therefore, if your check is $50 and you leave me nothing, I will pay ~$1.50 for you to make a mess for me to clean up. That doesn't sound like a lot, but imagine how much I would be paying if all of my tables thought that tipping was "for the birds"! Many restaurants also require higher tipouts - I've heard of places that take out 6-10%, so in those cases you're an even bigger jerk.
There's so much more to talk about, but it's 3 am, I just got home from work, and now I need to cook dinner for myself before I go to bed.I'll edit this entry later.

Controlling your unruly children

Waiting tables has enabled me to develop such an unbridled hatred for children that it's a little ridiculous. But, I guess it's not really the children. It's the parents. I hate parents.

I had a table tonight whose children threw garbage everywhere, threw temper tantrums when they didn't get ice cream for dinner, ran around and dangled themselves all over the chairs, cried and yelled, and were just generally unpleasant for the two hours that they sat in my section. They did not say please or thank you. They did not behave. At all.

I don't have kids, so for some that disqualifies me from giving advice about raising children. Well, no, I don't have kids, but I once was one of course, and I can easily recall the way my parents taught me how to act in public, and I can certainly tell when your kid is acting like a demon in my restaurant. When my parents took me out, I was told to keep my mouth shut, not to fidget, not to get out of my chair or cry, and to eat my dinner quietly while letting the adults talk and enjoy their evening. If I didn't do those things, my parents would threaten to leave or that they'd give me a spanking. I know that spanking is frowned upon these days, but I can tell you from experience that it was really the threat of a good beating that kept me in line, and I didn't turn into an axe murderer or sociopath because my parents did it. You may have the heart to beat your kids, but I assure you that the other 40 people in the restaurant would gladly volunteer to help you out.

Here's the thing. It's not just me your kids are irritating. My other tables - adults who are trying to have dinner and enjoy each others company - cannot hear each other over your child's screaming, do not appreciate your kids running around and throwing things, and do not find the garbage and food they are throwing around cute or enjoyable. You're ruining my night because I have to deal with and subsequently clean up after you, but more importantly, you're ruining the night out for those around you. That's what really makes it shitty. Some people don't have a lot of money and they don't get to go out to restaurants very often. Do you not consider that your tantrum throwing little punk is screwing things up for them? Of course you don't. Kids are kids, you say. They're fine, you say. Because you're enjoying your dinner and completely ignoring their shit. You've learned to tune it out. We haven't.

One time, I had a table whose children were running around and crawling all over the floor, under the tables and basically just running amok throughout the whole section of the restaurant. There's a wall that separates that section of the restaurant from the bar area. Another server was coming around the bend, carrying hot plates of food, not expecting any wayward children to be laying around on the floor. So, as he turned the corner, he tripped over a child, accidentally kicking him in the head and spilling plates of food everywhere. The child began to bawl, and the table whose food was now inedible became pissed as hell. The parents response? A rushed and empty "sorry" before they turned back to their plates and continued eating and talking. "Oh, he's fine," they said, ignoring their sobbing child until he stopped and went back to playing around on the floor. What is this? I don't even know what to say to that.

I've had children falling asleep at the bar while their parents sat and got drunk, a mom and her boyfriend get into an argument and ask me to watch their kid while they went out in the parking lot and yelled at each other, parents who let their kids order all kinds of shit they'd never eat...so many things. The awful parenting I see on a day to day basis makes me want to call child services and chug gallons of vodka with my birth control. I can't even begin to tell you all the stories I have on this subject.

I do particularly hate parents who give in to their child's every whim, however. I had a table a few weeks ago - it was a mother and her son. I asked them what they wanted to drink and the mother ordered for herself and then asked her son what he wanted. "Cranberry juice," he said. "But you don't like cranberry juice," she said. "I WANT CRANBERRY JUICE!" he said. So she tells me to bring him the cranberry juice. I bring it to the table, he takes one sip and says, "I don't like this." So the mother has me bring him orange juice. There are a couple of problems I have with this situation. First and foremost, I'm fucking busy. I don't have time for this shit. But now I've not only wasted my time, I have wasted perfectly good juice, and you have no backbone when it comes to your kid. Lady, you know your kid doesn't like cranberry juice, you are the adult, you tell him NO. Parents these days are too lax and have no authority over their kids. That's not gonna work out too well in the future, and that's not my problem really, but fuck you for wasting my time. When I was a kid, my mom would order for me. If she let me order, she gave me two choices and told me to pick one, and if I didn't, she'd order. There was no making the waitress sit there while I huffed about it. That shit didn't happen, because it shouldn't happen. Be the parent, goddamnit.

Parents are ignorant doormats sometimes and it drives me fucking bonkers. Don't be that parent. And please, please don't be that restaurant patron.

And if you do let your snotty little kids make a huge mess, you either help clean it up or you leave me a bigger tip. I'm your waitress, not your housekeeper. I work at a restaurant, not a fucking Chuck E. Cheese. Don't be an asshole.

Parents can just go to hell, really.

J

PS - I forgot to mention one of my biggest restaurant pet peeves. Parents, please note that the sugar caddies, ketchup, table cards, salt and pepper, etc. are NOT ON THE TABLE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR KID. Kids are basically little germ factories and those sugars and salts are things that other people are going to eventually eat. They are not toys, and if your kid needs shit to play with, then bring something with you to keep them entertained. When all the sugars get thrown on the floor, guess who gets to pick them up? And guess who isn't getting a bigger tip to crawl around in such a fashion? Fuck you.